A list, by no means comprehensive, of the things I have learned in the past two weeks and six days:
1. Baby boys are not the only ones you need to watch out for when changing diapers. Certain girls, if they sneeze while mummy has the diaper open, will in fact be able to pee all over the wall. This will most likely happen at three in the morning and you will not be mentally prepared to deal with it.
2. In a related note, you should try to resist the urge to tell your baby how cute she is while she's propped up on your shoulder. If said baby sneezes at that precise moment, you could end up with barf in your mouth.
3. And speaking of barf, a baby with a stomach no larger than an egg is able to produce enough vomit to cover her mother from chest to ankle. There is no physical explanation for this; you just have to accept it, find a washcloth and move on.
4. There is no shame in getting right back into bed following the application of said washcloth. Yes, you probably should have showered, but if it's before six in the morning no one's going to judge you.
5. If your baby really loves you she will spend the entire night grunting like an old man. You might think this is uncalled for, since you will be unable to sleep for fear that she's self-destructing, but really she's just doing you a favour; there's no need to hover over the bassinet to check whether or not she's breathing when she sounds like a dying pig! Takes the guesswork right out of that one.
6. In yet another related note, it's not just the grunting arena where your baby could excel in noise making. Yours, if mine is any indication, might fart like a grown man. She will most likely be at her loudest and most musical between the hours of one and five in the morning when you're not supposed to talk to her / congratulate her for her prowess since you're trying desperately to teach her that night time is for sleeping. Not resonant displays of flatulence, no matter how epic they might be.
7. Baby fingernails are small, and no matter how deeply asleep your kid might be, there's always the chance that they'll wake up just as you go to cut one of them. The cry that results when you accidentally trim away a little skin will make you feel like the worst mother in the history of the world.
8. Babies are slippery in the bath; keep a firm grip on them. Better yet, invest in one of those baths where the kid gets to lounge in a little mini hammock. Just not if you're planning on moving back on board a ship in the next couple of months. In that case, it's probably not a good idea to get the kid used to the life of luxury and you're just going to have to master the baby-in-a-sink thing.
9. Speaking of a life of luxury (or lack thereof), it is perfectly acceptable for your newborn to only own three outfits that actually fit her. The child will not know that she's wearing the same thing two or three times a week. Bonus points should probably be awarded for having the courage to dress her in non-matching clothes. Newborn fashion is overrated; the homeless look is really in these days.
10. Babies' heads are apparently made of crack cocaine. There is no other explanation for the inordinate amount of time I spend with my nose buried in my child's hair.
11. There is no way your heart should be able to hold this much love without exploding.
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1. Baby boys are not the only ones you need to watch out for when changing diapers. Certain girls, if they sneeze while mummy has the diaper open, will in fact be able to pee all over the wall. This will most likely happen at three in the morning and you will not be mentally prepared to deal with it.
2. In a related note, you should try to resist the urge to tell your baby how cute she is while she's propped up on your shoulder. If said baby sneezes at that precise moment, you could end up with barf in your mouth.
3. And speaking of barf, a baby with a stomach no larger than an egg is able to produce enough vomit to cover her mother from chest to ankle. There is no physical explanation for this; you just have to accept it, find a washcloth and move on.
4. There is no shame in getting right back into bed following the application of said washcloth. Yes, you probably should have showered, but if it's before six in the morning no one's going to judge you.
5. If your baby really loves you she will spend the entire night grunting like an old man. You might think this is uncalled for, since you will be unable to sleep for fear that she's self-destructing, but really she's just doing you a favour; there's no need to hover over the bassinet to check whether or not she's breathing when she sounds like a dying pig! Takes the guesswork right out of that one.
6. In yet another related note, it's not just the grunting arena where your baby could excel in noise making. Yours, if mine is any indication, might fart like a grown man. She will most likely be at her loudest and most musical between the hours of one and five in the morning when you're not supposed to talk to her / congratulate her for her prowess since you're trying desperately to teach her that night time is for sleeping. Not resonant displays of flatulence, no matter how epic they might be.
7. Baby fingernails are small, and no matter how deeply asleep your kid might be, there's always the chance that they'll wake up just as you go to cut one of them. The cry that results when you accidentally trim away a little skin will make you feel like the worst mother in the history of the world.
8. Babies are slippery in the bath; keep a firm grip on them. Better yet, invest in one of those baths where the kid gets to lounge in a little mini hammock. Just not if you're planning on moving back on board a ship in the next couple of months. In that case, it's probably not a good idea to get the kid used to the life of luxury and you're just going to have to master the baby-in-a-sink thing.
9. Speaking of a life of luxury (or lack thereof), it is perfectly acceptable for your newborn to only own three outfits that actually fit her. The child will not know that she's wearing the same thing two or three times a week. Bonus points should probably be awarded for having the courage to dress her in non-matching clothes. Newborn fashion is overrated; the homeless look is really in these days.
10. Babies' heads are apparently made of crack cocaine. There is no other explanation for the inordinate amount of time I spend with my nose buried in my child's hair.
11. There is no way your heart should be able to hold this much love without exploding.
